One of the things we run into very early on is cultural messaging around grief. Most of it seems to be saying, “Just feel better as quickly as possible.” And wouldn’t we just love to? But that’s not reality. In fact, “feeling better as quickly as possible” may keep our brains from learning and growing within our new reality.
Our culture is avoidant of death, grief, and grieving. We would all rather avoid it, and we often do that by trying to control the experience of grief. We use thought stopping cliches to help us bypass the emotions we’d rather not be feeling.
The first funeral I ever attended in my life, I was about 8 or 9 and I remember hearing the adults say that the young widow was so strong and full of faith because she didn’t break down and cry at the service. Looking back, I think she was probably numb, like I was at my daughter’s funeral. But we fit into a narrative of spiritual bypassing, that made us and everyone else comfortable at the time. Over the long term, it doesn’t work. It just keeps you stuck.
Examples of spiritual and emotional bypassing:
Everything happens for a reason
They’re in a better place
You’ll see them in heaven
Just be grateful for the time you had
God’s ways are higher than our ways
Along with bypassing, some people will turn to straight-up grief shaming. They will need us to perform our grief in a way that suits them, and if we don’t do it the way they want, they will let us know. This is a them problem, not an us problem.
Here’s my first swear of the series: Hallmark is bullshit. People usually don’t develop better emotional skill under the stress of grief and loss.
Some people are going to be too overwhelmed by their own lives to have the capacity to cope with what’s happening in ours. Some people are going to double down on whatever narrative keeps them feeling safe. Some people are going to be able to enter into the hellscape with you, and some won’t.
One of the best protections against PTSD is connection, and we may be tempted to sacrifice our authentic experience in order to be close to people who love us but can’t enter into our experience. Sometimes we lose other relationships alongide our primary loss.
This is truly our own road to make, and we may have to simply release others to their own road as well.
The good news is, there are avenues for authentic support. Megan Devine has online support groups that are worth checking out. There are likely others as well, but I’m hesitant to recommend anything I haven’t vetted thoroughly myself, because people mean well but they are not always as helpful as they believe themselves to be.
“I’ve discovered...that the lifelong fear of grief keeps us in a barren, isolated place and that only grieving can heal grief; the passage of time will lessen the acuteness, but time alone, without the direct experience of grief, will not heal it.” Anne Lamott
Journaling Questions
What messaging have you received regarding your grief?
What do you wish you could say in return?
What do you wish people knew about grief?
Who is supporting you right now?
Self Compassion by Kristen Neff
The Grieving Brain by Mary O’Connor
It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine
Resilient Grieving by Lucy Hone