Any grieving person who’s left a full shopping cart in the grocery store and fled, any grieving person who pulls out of the driveway and can’t remember how to get to the grocery store at all, has asked the question: what the hell is wrong with my brain?
Any grieving person who still experiences the unreality of their loved one’s absence, years later, or who keeps forgetting they won’t answer texts anymore, or who gets tackled by overwhelming pain on some random day, wonders what the hell is wrong with my brain?
The answer is: nothing. Nothing is wrong with our brains, no matter how crazy it all feels. In 2003, Dr, Mary Francis O’Connor performed the first neuroimaging of grieving brains. She just recently published The Grieving Brain in 2022. And what she’s found is that when we lose someone to whom we had a close attachment, that impacts thousands and thousands of neural pathways in our brain that need to re-learn a new reality. That takes time. Lots of time.
Hopefully, the more we understand about the natural process of grieving, the more self compassion we will have for ourselves in that process.
“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” Jon Kabat-Zinn
Self compassion is absolutely foundational to riding the waves of grief. Rather than responding to our grief process with frustration or judgment, we treat ourselves like we would treat a very dear friend, and see ourselves as humans enduring a common but terrible human experience.
Author Megan Devine reminds us that “it’s okay that you’re not okay,” and resilience researcher Lucy Hone confirms my experience that living into a bigger, more beautiful life gives us the capacity to carry the grief.
Journaling Questions
What seems to be happening with your neural pathways right now?
What neurological complexities are you dealing with, alongside the grief? Neurodivergence, past trauma?
What is the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now?
·How can you treat yourself as your very own best friend?
Self Compassion by Kristen Neff
The Grieving Brain by Mary O’Connor
It’s Okay That You’re Not Okay by Megan Devine
Resilient Grieving by Lucy Hone